Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
You Might Also Like
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea