Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
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The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.