My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
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What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy