How I like cutting carbs
You Might Also Like
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
do horses think humans are hats
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Watermelon Boss!
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty