Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
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I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon