HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
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So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.