[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
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What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
getting corrected
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”