How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
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Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas