Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
You Might Also Like
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.