All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
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I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.