Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
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Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
this is the greatest thing ever
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.