shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
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Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.