“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
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Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.