Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
You Might Also Like
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Here’s a meme
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses