Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
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Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Check your privilege
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*