Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
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Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
work smarter, not harder
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?