Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
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I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Every photo I’m tagged in
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.