wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
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My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Not all heroes wear capes….
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao