-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
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[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
lol
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
January has been Januweary
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift