Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
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Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
“That’s what” – She
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N