Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
You Might Also Like
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.