Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
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– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.