I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.