Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
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My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Perfection.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
you gotta be faster
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.