How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
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. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.