Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
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Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW