[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
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If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
This will never not be funny 😭
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Growing up was a huge mistake
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.