Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
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My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Smooooooth
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.