Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
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the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Just so funny
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.