date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
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I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.