wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
You Might Also Like
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass