Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
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Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.