RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
my dog when i have a friend over
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
This squirrel eats better than I do
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”