AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
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if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Beware of the dog..
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
*puts cutlery down*
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
lmfao
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*