idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
You Might Also Like
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
*aggressively waits in line*
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Peace was never an option
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.