Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
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I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
“I’m helping” 😅