[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
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My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs