I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
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TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now