I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
You Might Also Like
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?