Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
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Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
The Book. The Movie.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
can you read it!!??
maan!
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.