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It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Planet of the Apps.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*