I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
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Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.