Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
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I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Practicing safe sax
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
“Sheer Arrogance”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.