Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
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the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
road rage
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
WHY would you be happy about this?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Oh the world we live in…
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking