Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
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I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills