ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
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Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.