Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
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[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Ugh but profoundly
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?