I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
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Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.