[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
You Might Also Like
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”