I think long & hard before using innuendo.
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Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”